my essay was gone over by my writing tutor (but not thoroughly)
not considering grammar mistakes, what errors do you see?
Thanks in advance!
Reputable Economics Research Program
My passion for economics had been veiled until I was 16. When I was little I was rather engrossed in mathematics in which I excelled many other students and in fact, I did not even know what the term economics was. It was when I had a job at my father's company that I first touched economics and got truly absorbed into it.
In the summer, I volunteered to work at my father's company to spend my vacation somewhat meaningfully. Honestly, I was expecting to have a trivial job such as a carrier and even a sweeper! My father, however, gave me a position of arranging business transaction documents saying that I'd better face the real world problems and learn how to deal with them. Impressed by his trust, I tried my best at the workplace and attempted not to make any mistake. Although putting financial papers in order and create statistical graphs were so intricate, since I had never dealt with them, I found them out quite interesting and fascinating. Not only was I soon accustomed with my duty but also I could handle it easily due to my experienced math skill. By combining my strongest aptitude and everyday world economy, I discovered an intellectual interest that I never had before.
As I showed my zeal and effort toward the economics, my position heightened progressively. Unlike before when I only managed with trivial and small job, I now moved to the upper department. There, I learned about economics more specifically. Many experienced employees taught me the difference between macro and microeconomics and how they are applied to everyday world. As I noticed that a number of factors near us hugely impact on our economy, I became more intrigued in it. I remember I was stunned when I heard that even one counterfeit paper money can result in huge financial crisis!
Despite my priceless experience at my father's company, I felt not so good when I realized that my father's company was suffering from recession. Due to fund shortage, my father was pressured to fire some of his close workers. I felt powerless and morose when I saw my father's tears flow his cheek since there was nothing I could do to help him. Since then, I promised myself that I will become a world-renowned economist and save the downturn economy.
Cornell has high quality academics and reputable research program. The Department of Economics offers a combination of theoretical and analytical rigor, and concern for the "real world" problems. Nonetheless, what attracted me the most about Cornell University is that it offers a seminar that "facilitates collaboration among economists and psychologists and draws students into faculty research." Interaction and cooperation are the key factors to grasp the true nature of economics and to create the better economy. Regarding this, Cornell is my number one choice and I feel Cornell University can guide me toward my future path and thus help me revive my father's company and further out, the entire economy of the world.
Any suggestions or correction would be appreciated.
Cornell no more than 500 words
Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study.
My intellectual interests have always been changing. My interests do not move from one thing to the next, they seem to just keep dividing and growing. For example I am currently interested in computers, math, neurology, and music; however, if you were to ask me last year about my interests, they would have been philosophy and history. I am still interested in these, but my attention is now more split with them than it was before.
I do not mean to make myself sound indecisive, but I have noticed that in any area, the deeper you dig into it, the more you find it connects with other areas. My interests have been branching off and growing rather than changing or shifting. To be able to truly understand something you have to not only understand the concept of it, but also the context of it.
For example, obviously the foundation of computer science is math itself, but at the same time math is also foundational to music. And what about music makes our brains feel happy, sad, or any other emotion? The concept of how art makes us feel and how that can be understood scientifically through computers is an area that I am very intrigued by.
Cornell's "Computing in the Arts" course with the psychology track is a major reason for my interest in Cornell. I was interested in many of the psychology courses, particularly the ones about sleep cycles and brain activity, and I believe majoring computer science with a minor in psychology is the most practical way for me to bring both these interests together.
I believe Cornell is a great fit for me because I will be able to utilize its diverse course selection to pursue several different interests and be able to correlate the different subjects to create a stimulating, practical educational experience.
Don't be discouraged...but I think you may need to redo/add on quite a bit. You don't particularly focus on the evolution of your interests, aside from saying that they've branched out. If you're going to list computers, math, neurology, and music as your interests (which by the way sounds very intriguing and will give you a lot to work with), you need to delve deeper into how one led you to the other, and how the connections you found between them are exciting to you. Especially focus on why these areas excite you: do they show you the world in a different light? do they give you insight into daily life? etc.
Keep and work with the first two paragraphs, those are good.
Your last paragraph won't cut it though...if you want to stand out from the other applicants (I believe Cornell has the most undergrad applicants) you're going to need to show FIT, ie why YOU belong at Cornell. Instead of vaguely talking about faculty and students and resouces, go to their website and specifically look up courses, professors, and majors that interest you. With your interest in computers/math/neuroscience/music, there should be many interdiscplinary courses/majors that would allow you to study all four.
Anyway, coming from someone who has also applied to Cornell, I hope this helps! Good luck.
Thanks for the advice. I tried to take your advice; I'm still not sure if I sufficiently covered the evolution, but I changed the second half of the essay a lot. If I need to cover the evolution more please let me know, but here is the revised draft.
It's a lot better! I think you should probably dive into the evolution/how it appeals to you a bit more. For the evolution bit, which one of these came into your life first? Was it math, which you learned at a young age, or music, like the songs sung to you, or computers, maybe because you come from a family of engineers? Or were you always surrounded by all areas, but then as you grew older you began to see the connections between them? Obviously those examples won't all fit, but I'm sure you can find something like that.
Maybe write more about how these subjects appeal to you. For example, as an avid music fan, are you excited about dissecting the math behind the melodies?